A SMOOCH BEFORE DYING 

"Death to Smoochy" (2002)

Directed by Danny DeVito

   Imagine a movie about the dark and dirty, cut throat world of Ice Cream truck drivers. Sound silly? Think about it. It could be a great film. Ice Cream truck drivers become so protective of their territories, that they go to the extreme of turning their Ice Cream trucks into tricked-out, dangerous death machines. It could be a movie with a splash of "The Road Warrior" and "Death Race 2000"!

   How about a movie about two toy stores at war with each other? Adults battling for the money of the parents of spoiled children. These vendors are supposed to be the smiling and friendly faces that bring joy to your children through toys, games and every must have collectible, but secretly they plan and scheme attacks on each other that turn bloody. You could do this same plot with candy stores. People who would hurt, maim or kill to be in that coveted spot of satisfying the sweet tooth of kids.

   This could be a whole sub-genre of film that gives a bad name to family entertainment.

   As it stands, we're at a great start with Danny DeVito's film, "Death to Smoochy". This 2002 flick is about the greedy, vengeful and violent world of Children's TV Show Hosts. Starring Ed Norton and the late Robin Williams, this R-rated epic focuses on the war between Rainbow Randolf and Smoochy the Rhino.

   I hope this edgy, dark comedy becomes a bona-fide cult classic. If you haven't seen this film yet, you are missing out on songs about Crack, entertaining modern day Nazi rallies in a Rhino costume, surreal Ice Skating shows and cookies shaped like huge penises. Yes. It's a bit dirty.

   Are there any other films that you know of that are like this? There should be more movies about awful people who would exploit those who spend lots of money on children. I bet Willy Wonka is loaded with dirty tricks.

(Artwork by Isaac Keith Martinez)